What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 05:25
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do narcissists devour so much sugar (candy, ice cream, donuts, etc., in huge amounts at a time)?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i do to all so called friends.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i lived it daily.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I think the readers, may guess!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was 9 years of age.
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was seconnd youngest,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it wasn’t much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She wouldn,t have been !
She loved him until the end.
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
So whats the point in blame.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My family never makes their pension either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was in good health!
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My life is so biszare .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I said to her
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was scared of men, in general
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When she asked me how she looked .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I will be 64.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
Im still living with it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.